I Trust Him

 It was Levi's 12th birthday on Sunday.  My parents, my sister, and her family traveled up to spend the day with us.  My mom sent a Marco Polo to our sisters group on the drive up so my sister in South Carolina would feel part of the celebration.  We attended church together where Levi and my husband both took the opportunity to share their testimonies.  I taught Gospel Doctrine and then we all witnessed Levi's ordination to the Aaronic Priesthood.  After the ordination, my mom and sister joined my daughter and I in Young Women where I was the guest speaker on the topic of marriage and family.  I looked into my mother's eyes and shared with the Young Women that the reason I have such a deep and abiding testimony of marriage and family is because of my mother's example.  I shared that while I was growing up, I always knew that my parents loved each other. 

After church we had a family dinner at our house and Levi opened his gifts.  He was thrilled to receive this Leatherman multitool from my parents.

My mom hadn't been feeling well for the past few days.  At dinner she was talking about feeling dizzy, feeling sick to her stomach, and wanting to get over whatever this was because she had to get ready to start school.  She talked about how excited she was for her First Grade class, and her upcoming trip to Disneyland with friends.

Early Thursday morning I was in the kitchen with my almost-two-year-old when the phone rang.  I saw that it was my dad and thought it was unusually early for him to call.  He was calm when I answered and explained that he had taken my mom to the emergency room several hours earlier and they decided to life flight her.  He wasn't alarmed but wanted me to know.  He was driving down as we talked and said he would keep me posted.  "Don't make the trip," he said.

I hung up and sent a text to my bestie Brandi who is an ICU nurse.  When she said she wasn't working that day, I asked if she could stop by the hospital and check on my dad and let me know how my mom was doing.  

Thursday was a big day for us.  My kids work all year long preparing for the County Fair Livestock Show.  We breed and raise our own show lambs.  All of the work we put in culminates at the County Fair.  We were in the show barn when I got a FaceTime call from Brandi.  She explained that my mom was really sick.  Brandi held the phone close so I could see and talk to my mom.  When she heard my voice, her eyes fluttered and she tried to talk.  I told her to relax and that I would be there that night to check on her and take care of my dad.  I got to talk to the ICU Doctor and ask questions during our call.  I learned that my mom had severe sepsis and that her blood pressure and oxygen levels were dangerously low.  At the end of the call Brandi again put the phone next to my mom. 

I said goodbye.

I was next to the show ring at the fair taking pictures of my daughter when I got the call.  It was Brandi.  She was panicked. They had coded my mom.  They were looking for my dad.  I hung up and called my dad.  When I told him they had coded her, he asked me what that meant.  I hung up and called my sister.  No one, not even the medical team, had expected this.  We were all in shock.  My sister and I were both frantic.  And helpless.  I was in the gravel parking lot at the fairgrounds.  I fell to my knees and cried out loud.  I begged God to send angels.  "Please, please, please, please" I pleaded out loud and sobbing.  And then I stopped.  I took a breath.  My head fell to my chest and somehow I whispered, "I trust You."

And I knew.

My dad called a few moments later.  He was calm and so was I.  He said simply, "We lost her." 

A few hours later I arrived at the mortuary, only a few minutes after my mom had arrived there.  I kissed her and talked to her and touched her and cried.

As we left the mortuary, my dad asked me to speak at the funeral.  That's when the planning began.  You always hear people draw the humorous comparisons between weddings and funerals, but I learned they really are the same.  Same amount of stress.  Same amount of cost.  Same amount of planning.  Only a wedding is typically planned for months, and you have some advance notice.  Not a funeral.  You have a few days to put the whole thing together.  We had no advance notice.

The night before her viewing, our entire extended family and some close friends attended the new temple together.  It was an incredibly healing experience for me, and one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life.  The experiences I had in that temple session will continue to carry me through the dark days that are sure to lie ahead.  The morning of her viewing, we met at the mortuary to do her hair, nails, makeup, and dress her for burial.  Seeing her body that morning was a completely different experience than it had been on the day she died.  That morning it was very obvious that it was just her body.  She was not there anymore.  That clear distinction was good for me.  My cousin was the mortician and did a great job.  My sister did her make up and it looked perfect.  I was so thankful that she looked so much like she was sleeping.  She didn't look sick or tragic at all.  Just peaceful.

In the midst of all of the grief and chaos, there have been many moments of peace.  The miracles, big and small, keep adding up.  As the sun continues to rise each day, I try to focus on those miracles and continue to watch for more.  I have faith they will continue to come.  I trust Him.